My intuitiveness is usually limited to something like if I hear a few gunshots, I know to stop, drop and roll right out of the premises. However, since I’ve been tasked to provide you, the reader, with some thoughtful pop culture-related predications for 2013, I wanted to make sure I prepared as best as humanly possible. And so, I looked back at all the great psychics of our time including Miss Cleo, my play great auntie Dionne Warwick and her homegirl, Linda Georgian. I even counseled with a real psychic in New Orleans’ Jackson Square, who rightly predicted that if I don’t have a po’boy to go with that third or fourth hand grenade, I was going to run into some problems later on that night.
I’m a regular old cosmic gem these days, which means you best take heed of my warnings. Unfortunately, you can’t hit me on Twitter asking for winning lotto numbers. Those go to my mama.
The KimYe Pregnancy Will Stomp, Stab, and Suffocate Your Last Nerve
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the over sharers the gossip world we wanted Beyoncé and Jay-Z to be. If you thought they were doing the most before, imagine how they’re going to be now that they’ve procreated. Kim’s camp swears the fetus won’t have its own TV series or special, but the president of E! has all but confirmed that we’ll see the pregnancy chronicled on the network. And Kim’s mama is said to already been negotiating pregnancy related press. If that family annoys you, God be with your last nerve in 2013.
Tyler Perry’s Next Movie Will Suck
That probably doesn’t surprise you, though.
Jeepers Creepers Starring Shawty Lo
Not because it’ll be a failure in fertility. If you’ve watched To Catch A Predator, you’ll notice that the near 40-year-old rapper likes them super young. Case in point: His new girlfriend is younger than his oldest kid. We know it’s legal, but brother, could you still spare Chris Hansen?
Breakups To Makeups To Breakups
Chris Brown and Rihanna will nag us with details of their relationship, but it’s going to end. Then they will subtweet the hell out of each other while passing faux-inspirational messages on Instagram as a means of dissing the other. After that, the two will get back together only to break up once more. You’ll get more details on their next albums.
Karrine Steffans Will Fall Even Lower Down The Relevancy Ladder
She’s had a good run, but the author best known as “Superhead” isn’t the skilled attention whore she used to be. Good riddance.
A Grammy Snub Awaits Miguel
As great as “Adorn” and his Kaleidoscope Dream album both are and deserve to win, Miguel’s going head-to-head against Frank Ocean in many of his nominated categories. I don’t see that ending well for Miguel and I anticipate some nice and nasty tweets to follow.
Lil’ Wayne Will Get His Tattoo Fixed
Look for him to add “half” to his forehead. Also expect other rappers to get worse face tattoos.
Soulja Boy Catches The Fade
Based on the threatening tweets he sent to Lil’ Scrappy, the former hit maker is obviously looking for someone to huff, and puff, and blow his frail body to the ground. Should he keep popping off at the keystrokes, Momma Dee’s prince and apparent genie will grant his wish.
Lil’ Kim Won’t Be Releasing A New Album
Keep hope alive, though, stans. Keep hope alive.
Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada: The Sequel
Expect Ren and Stimpy in stilettos to wed once more, bet on them filming it, and count on Chad only getting any job offers from TV producers and little league teams.
Not The Same, But It’ll Do
The revamped version of The Arsenio Hall Show won’t mirror the one many of us grew up on, but it’ll be better than the on-air fish fry Mo’Nique had on her BET late night show.
Keep It In The Closet
R. Kelly will continue his “Trapped in the Closet” series. A book based on them will actually come out and y’all will buy it. Those Broadway plans will come to fruition in some capacity. I will hate all of y’all as a result.