As everyone gathers around to bask in the American pastimes of gluttony and gratitude, some of your favorite stars want to share what they are most thankful for in honor of Thanksgiving. The sentiments may not appear genuine, but the shade is real.
Pat Houston: I’m thankful for the gift of opportunism. Some people may look at the Houston Family reality show and say, “Pat, you ain’t worth a damn.” But you know what? The check Lifetime cut me goes much further than your two cents. Yeah, Whitney’s ghost will probably be haunting me on Christmas Eve, demanding I change my waves and give to the poor, but I can afford a prescription drug to drown that noise out. Can these critics say the same?
NeNe Leakes: Well, hunny, I’m just happy to be rich. Very, very rich, child. I ‘member those days when I wanted a fancy bag and I’d have to whisper in my uncle-ex-husband’s ear, “Buy mama a bag, bag.” Then do something a little strange for some change. Not anymore, sugar. Guess who’s got her own, now? Yes, hunny, I am Miss I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T., do you know what that means? And shout out to all my haters. Be mad if you want, buy I’m getting Anglo money, flexing my bill collector accent. BLOOP.
Rihanna: As I celebrate my 12th number one hit , “Diamonds,” and put a deep fear into the heart of Mariah Carey that I’m going to snatch her treasured all-time singles record, I would like to thank my fans, the Navy. Not only do they support me, but they love me unconditionally. I can show up on stage and say, "What's up, bitches?! I am gonna half sing & quarter twirk and all y'all gonna love it." And you know what? They’re gonna love it. It’s like I passed them the blunt. As much as I love Beyoncé, I’m so glad I don’t have to sweat out my press like her and still make enough money to buy Mariah Carey a new jaw after, again, I snatch that sales record.
Ciara: I’m thankful that Beyoncé hasn’t dropped a new album, this year?
Rihanna: Why? We’re both still doing better than you. Can someone pass the mic to someone with reasons to actually be thankful, this year?
Kanye West: I’m happy that, after all these years, it’s finally acceptable for men to play with dolls. I mean, technically they’ve got to be life-sized and have some kind of artificial intelligence, but a doll is a doll is a doll. Ain’t that right, my love?
Kim Kardashian: Whatever you say, baby. No really — whatever you say.
NeNe: Child, you did not lay on your back to make all this money and lose your spine.
2 Chainz: I’m thankful for name changes, third and fourth chances, and cable modems reaching the hood. Now thanks to me, rappers over 35 can hold onto their dreams no matter what their mamas, parole officers, and bill collectors tell them. Keep dreaming. YEAH.
Keyshia Cole: I’m grateful to Mary J. Blige and crispy chicken, fresh lettuce, three cheeses, ranch dressing, wrapped up in a tasty flour tortilla. Do I even need to say anything else?
Nicki Minaj: Like Rih-Rih, I’m just happy for my fans, the Barbz. I mean, you see the way everyone has tried to pull me down this year? Like, don’t these people realize how much I’ve paved the way for hip-hop, for women, for Black people, for the youth? I put on this wig and I put on these customs and none of these ungrateful bastards give me my props? They did the same thing with Jesus and Jesus can’t even rap! That is why I love my Barbz so much. They tell me all the things the rest of the world should be telling me every single second of every single day for the rest of their damn lives.
Mariah Carey: Darling, look at me. Everyday is Thanksgiving.
Nicki Minaj: Here she goes again.
Mariah: Actually, that reminds me…I’m not thankful for it yet, but I’m going to claim it in advance: I’m thankful for the moment when Nicki, Roman, Zoolander, and whoever else lives inside her wig falls off the face of the Earth. Want to know why? Because I’ll still be here, still communicating with dolphins via iMessage with my high notes.
Nicki Minaj: That you haven’t hit since I was in high school, but okay, girl.
Drake: I’m blessed to finally be working with my longtime inspiration, and my soul mate, the late Aaliyah Dana Haughton. Dana, I love you. I miss you everyday. And don’t you worry about this upcoming album. 40 and I are going to make it so special. So, so good. You will be so proud. Did I mention I miss you? And that I love you? And that I wish you were here with me?
Rihanna: That reminds me, I need to file that restraining order before it’s too late.
Mariah: Has anyone ever mentioned to you how crazy you sound when you talk about a girl you never met besides on TRL?
Keyshia: Ain’t you from Nova Scotia or something, anyway? They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving there, right?
Drake: Y’all let Rihanna come and she’s from Barbados.
NeNe: Hunny, we like Rihanna. OH-NA-NA, what’s my name? I say that every time I’m cashing a Trump check. But baby, you need to go.
Drake: I’ll go…but only if y’all invite me back for Christmas.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And if you’re shopping on Black Friday, have mace and an escape route planned. Don’t let that woman with the bad wig and walker fool you: She will Mortal Kombat your ass for that flat screen.