The following is a work of satire; meaning if you think this really happened you ate too much paste as a child.
“That scrapple-eating, Robin Thicke-biting son of a bitch,” a dramatic Kanye West yelled at the greatest television set of all-time after Justin Timberlake sang “My hit so slick got rappers acting dramatic” during his SNL performance of “Suit & Tie.” A petrified Kim Kardashian immediately stopped doing her boyfriend’s pedicure to figure out what troubled him. “I’m sick of motherf**kers disrespecting me, but go ahead and finish that second big toe, baby,” ’Ye told Kim.
“First Taylor Swift, then Sway, and now Justin Timberlake. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to make them pay—starting with Sway since it’s easier to get the black dude first.”
Once Kanye finished reading Kim their favorite bedtime story—any issue of Vogue—Kanye grabbed his iPhone and called the Barney to his Fred in fashion, A$AP Rocky. “You remember that plan you made up about kidnapping Sway and them? About the MTV Hottest MC List?” To which A$AP replied, “The one you called stupid?”
“Well, it is stupid, but guess who’s ready to go dumb?” a decidedly energetic Yeezy replied. A$AP wondered if the two should invite rappers with similar grievances like Soulja Boy and Drake. “Sway will be crying enough for the both of them,” Kanye said.
And so, dressed in their finest robbery-themed ensembles that only the rich and famous can buy or be gifted, Scooby and Swaggy grabbed Sway, who heads the collective known as “The Brain Trust” that debates and ultimately declares MTV’s hottest MC, and forced him to hear them out and reconsider.
Kanye’s lingering hostility was evident: “I gave you a TV, motherf**ker! Your first goddamn television. If not for me, you would’ve never discovered Martin. You couldn’t have at least ranked me and Big Sean in the Top Five?! Well, me, the top three…obviously!”
Kanye did this as he poured Hennessy all over Sway; his version of water boarding. Kanye then stepped out—wardrobe change—and let A$AP have his turn.
“I’ve been directing videos since I was 22. I brought gold teeth back. I rap like Bushwick Bill, Wish Bone, Ice Cube and Raekwon combined. I sound like Ray Charles if Ray Charles were born in 1988 and listened to a lot of DJ Screw while riding the 2-train in Harlem. Who sounds like that? Who made the 14k mouth pop again? But I ain’t number one?”
Unfortunately, A$AP was looking into the distance as he made his speech, not realizing that Sway had fallen asleep midway.
Frustrated, A$AP gave up and left. “You’re supposed to be Robin,” a now Givenchy-kilt wearing Kanye screamed. That change in plans didn’t stop Kanye from doing a freestyle to the sounds of flat screens being smashed in the background. Two hours later, Kanye removed Sway’s gag and asked if he’ll reconsider his spot on the list.
“There are no take backs,” the disoriented TV and radio personality tried to explain.
Kanye put on the custom cape he had made for his robbery look, and stormed out of the room. “I’ll release you after I make sure your cable and Netflix accounts are cancelled. You ain’t watching s**t on that TV I got you until you right this wrong.”
