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St. Paddy’s Day: The Hangover Edition

Monday was St.

Monday was St. Paddy’s Day, which doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but it was also probably one of the most unproductive days of the year. That’s because most people are out rockin’ their green, blacking out and waking up with no memory of what they did for the past 24 hours. Bruce Pearl was the only cat in America to wake up this morning with a better job. Most of you are probably waking up now.

Not everyone wakes up like Jim Irsay making their first call to a lawyer or alongside Dennis Rodman on a flight to North Korea. Here are a few quick tips to let you know you know you went too hard in the paint on St. Patrick’s Day.

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You woke up with a freshly purchased Glory Road resting on top of your kitchen table and have Texas Southern as the national champion in your ESPN.com bracket. It’s a bold choice feels like an understatement. Don Haskins was the first coach to win a national championship with five black starters in 1966, but that was Texas Western. If Texas Southern can even reach an NCAA Tournament rematch with Kentucky in the second round as a 16 seed, that'll be enough history for the SWAC to celebrate in a season marred by APR penalties imposed on four teams.


You woke up leading an Ebay bidding on Robert Griffin III’s game worn right knee brace. After getting eviscerated by teammates, coaches, anonymous sources and defensive lines, RGIII decided to law low until yesterday when he announced that he’s dumping the restrictive knee brace that he wore last season.


You told all your friends that Nate Silver projected your school to reach the third round of the 538 team tournament.

Charlotte Bobcats guard Gerald Henderson must have imagined the rim was moving last night after playing beer pong with Jordan again before last night’s game. Henderson got beat by a ringer. Jordan is a beer pong pro who often plays pranks on Duke alums, but this may have gone a little too far. It's plays like these that makes Jalen Rose proclaim that His Airness will return for at least one game next season. Henderson is usually better than the sloppy attempt we saw last night, but he’s gotta stop playing drinking games with Jordan. 

Some wisecracking, industrial fan created a snarky Missed Connections Craigslist ad for Gerald Henderson and the rim, but nobody missed worse than Teddy Bridgewater on Monday during a forgettable Pro Day showing. Bridgewater’s performance shouldn’t have him plummeting into the second round, but it may have destroyed any chances of him going No. 1 overall to the Texans. Bridgewater opting to throw without a glove was a peculiar choice that probably impacted his throwing.


The only way for Bridgewater to halt his slipping draft status may be to enter rehab and admit he gave a B+ performance while throwing inebriated. Everyone can't be David Wells

Meanwhile, Johnny Manziel was nowhere to be found on St. Patrick’s Day. The old Manziel would have been out drunkenly partying on stage at a concert and videotaped puking into Pharrel’s hat before getting busted for public intoxication. The new Manziel parties at an exclusive club with LeBron James and other celebrities who won’t post his exploits on Instagram.


If you threw little leprechaun punches in Francisco Garcia’s direction on Monday night, you were probably enjoying St. Patrick's a little too much.

Irsay woke up facing four felony counts, but Jerry Jones, who has a tendency to get a little tipsy every now and then, woke up with Brandon Weeden as his backup quarterback. Meanwhile, the Colts franchise quarterback tweeted out a poorly scheduled St. Patrick’s Day tweet after Irsay was arrested.

On Sunday night, the Boston Celtics clearly began drowning their sorrows a little early in the midst of a dismal season by playing the type of defense that would fail a field sobriety test as Anthony Davis became the 18th player in 19 years to post 40 points and 20 boards in a single game. Bad defense can be chalked up to a variety of factors, but the Celtics should have been forced to blow into a breathalyzer after they failed to foul and put the Pelicans on the line in the waning 10 seconds of a one point loss.

Brad Stevens' club probably woke up Tuesday morning of their stupor after a loss to the Mavericks anticipating their road trip to New Orleans and Stevens likely awoke on a flight to Indiana thinking he was prepping for the first round of the NCAA Tournament after watching the Celtics scramble aimlessly for months on end like a gaggle of college freshman.