Our boy Billy from down in Washington, DC breaks down the final season of Game of Thrones in the way that only he can.
In episode 4 of this final season of Game of Thrones, we open up following the longest night at the biggest wake/home-going ever put together.
Jon B said his pipes needed more honey and lemon tea for him to sing. So since he couldn’t properly sang “It So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday”, he gave a nice lil’ speech and sparked a cookout that Eddie Murphy’s Uncle Gus could brag about. Now that’s a fire!!!
They said peace to all the dead homies in that gangsta lean and poured out a lil liquor for them – The Unsullied, the Dothraki, Theon, Ed, Lil Lyanna, and Jorah.
Back in Winterfell at the home-going service, bamas are gettin’ fried. Dany decides that she better start playing chess since she has to deal wit her new boo really bein’ her nephew, and he got a stronger claim on the iron throne. She tells Gendry that he’s the new Lord of House Baratheon at Storm’s End, and she not tripping off him being the bastard son of the dude who started the war that got her daddy killed.
Davos is bitchin’ about not bein’ able to merck Melissandre, cuz the Lord of Light beat him to it. Everybody now in full get-bent-mode like John Wall at a Rosebar day party in DC.
Tyrion starts to make his way around the room. He starts out with Weird Man rolling aka 3rd Eye Bran. He lets him know quick that he ain’t feelin’ anybody lookin’ at him bein’ the new lord of Winterfell. He’s only about that reminisce life. The hype-man action continues and Danerys tries to join in but she quickly sees how even though Jon B couldn’t sing that sweet melody earlier, he still getting way more props then her. And she ain’t hardly feelin’ that.
Tormund had to let errybody in the place know that ain’t no iller dude than Jon Jon Stark/Targaryen. This bama died and came back like Jesus. Fought on the north side of the wall, and then back south of it ridin’ dragons and knockin out all bums like Ali in his prime!
Dany is gettin blown by how hard Jon Boy gettin’ jocked by errybody so she steps off quick like all she can hear is James Brown singin “This is a Man’s World”!
Tormund sees a chance at the woman of his dreams, but she already been disrespected a bit playing drinking games wit Tyrion and Jamie, aka Jam Jam the one hand sister slayer.
So when Tormund asks Brie Brie what dat mouf do, he excuses herself politely and crushes Tormunds soul and basically tells him,” No 6-foot nu nu for you boo.”
Next Sansa eye spies Tormund cryin’ to Hound Dawg about his L, and how is heart is broken. He bounces back quickly wit a serving girl, and offers Hound Dawg to come along and join the action. Except Hound Dawg doesn’t seem to be the least bit interested in the ladies.
Sansa comes and asks him why he ain’t take the free work that was offered, but he’s lookin’ for a bigger thrill that he ain’t coppin’ to just yet. He peeps the change in her style and how she ain’t such a sucka for love like she used to be.
Gendry is on the hunt for his lady love, Arya. ‘Ceptin that Arya harder than Schwarzenegger in Predator, and ain’t interested in any conversations about her bein’ a lady. Gendry got on that one knee and tried to make it official, but the savior of the world who wears many faces ain’t never rockin a dress and eatin’ finger sammiches wit her sister. She lets Gendry down soft and tells him she still got dust to kick up.
Next we See Jam Jam chasin’ Brie Brie back to her room to solve that whole “I ain’t never got none before” problem. Jam only been with his twin and when he get in the spot he can’t come outta his clothes fast enough.
Brie finally realize she bout to break the seal and snatches his one handed ass out them clothes faster than Arya shanked the the night king. Jamie is tryin’ to break the awkward silence by sayin’ he’s never bust down a night, and Brie is like, “I ain’t never been bust down, And What!”
Dany comes to see her boo, but she knows slim been #indemcups heavy. He tries to play it off, but knows that it’s time to possibly give it to her the way that them northern boys do. Dany tells him she loves him after he cops a plea about her ace Jorah dying. That’s all Jonny boy needed to hear. They start goin’ at it, but at that moment slim sobers up and realizes, “I been bustin down my auntie!”
He takes a step back like, “I’m a wild boy and all, but this right here…” Dany knew this moment was about to jump off and was hopin’ it wouldn’t. Jon B still wanna sing soft to her at night, and Dany says she wants him to do that thang cuz “They Don’t Know!”
The whole time though, he gotta keep that info about who he really is on the low. Cats already not feelin’ her like they feelin’ him, and if they get keyed in on the real, it’s a wrap for what she really wants.
She lets it be known that he gotta choose between mashin’ them auntie guts or give up the Jon B tour, change his number like Kobe and be Aegon. Jon is like, “I got your back regardless of what these fools want, but I gotta tell my sisters that they really my cousins.” He start singin’ “Are You Still Down” but she says nah and asks him to excuse her back.
The next mornin’, while standing over the map of Westeros, what’s left of the heads of state start breakin’ down how they gonna approach takin’ down Kings Landing. It’s obvi that they in a bad way after the long night.
Dany is takin’ a head count, but Sansa is like the north ain’t ready to bounce just yet. She lets her know they took too much of a beating and they not ready to just up and bounce down south. Dany know she bullshittin’ but her boo steps in and says, “We good ma. Errybody from uptown gonna take that trip to the south side just like we said off top.”
Dany is amped that the war for the seven kingdoms is finally about to go down. Arya and Sansa stop Jon B before he can step off. They pull him to the side for a family meeting to chop it up over how quick he does whatever his boo tells him to do.
Now all the cards bout to be laid down. Arya tells him, “You my brotha slim! Not no half bro, not no bastard baby, but my ace, my fam, Son!” Jon is like, “Well that might not really be the way you think it is.”
He swears ’em to secrecy but you already know once he tell ’em, they ain’t holdin onto this shit. 3rd Eye Bran is about to break it all down for em and let it be known that he’s really they cousin.
It’s been put out there by Dany that Jamie is under the protection of his new boo Brie. While Tyrion and Jam Jam are talkin’ about how for the first time in his life he had to be this tall to get on a ride, Jamie is like “whoa slim” when Bron Bron comes in and lays it down quite flat.
He ain’t rockin’ wit Cersei no more cuz she ain’t got a real shot at winning the war. He wants assurance that if he helps em live that he gets a better deal on a castle from them. They give slim the word, and he bounces, tellin’ em “Don’t die!”
Hound Dawg is riding down south to handle whatever biz he’s got to deal wit when Arya joins him. He’s not really feelin’ like company. He tells her that he ain’t comin back north anymore and Arya lets him know that both of em are goin’ to the same place and that she ain’t comin’ back either.
Dany is checkin on her dragon babies and sees that Rhegal is still a bit nicked up from the battle two nights ago. He a big boy tho, cuz slim gets airborne and proves that he still rockin’ wit da best.
Tyrion comes to see Sansa one last time before they all head down to Kings Landing. He wants to make sure that she’s down wit the plan and is gonna ride for Dany, even tho he know she really don’t fool wit shorty all that tough.
Sansa is like, “Look slim, y’all got what y’all want. You got the soldiers, you got the weapons.” She all but hit him wit the Tyrese “What more do you want from me??!!”
Tyrion is like, “Just ride wit her and she’ll prove to be the boss you wanna rock wit.” Then Sansa is like, “Nah fam, I got somebody I know who’s built for it better than ole girl.”
Jon is about to step off when Tormund lets him know the free folk ain’t got shit to be scared of on the other side of the wall now. So they on they way back up top to be cold as shit. They know they ain’t gonna see each other no time soon, so they dap each other up and throw up a deuce.
We seaside and since Sansa done spilled the beans, Tyrion is now tellin’ the king of secrets. Varys already sees that Jon is the better play, but Tyrion got his head all the way up Danys hind parts and tryin’ his best to keep all that Jon should be the king talk out.
They drop anchor cuz they back at dragonstone! Dragon and Rhegal are flyin high and glad they not in the cold no more. They enjoyin’ the warm air when out the blue, Rhegal takes a arrow to the chest. Then another to the wing, and another to the neck. Slim is in a bad way, and drops to the water to sleep with the fishes. He dead dead!
Dany sees that it’s Euron and his fleet who been waitin’ for them to get back. They got the drop on em and took out one dragon, and now Dany is heated and tryna get payback for her baby just gettin’ merck’d.
Euron is lookin’ like, “Oh, she dumb dumb and bout to let me shoot this dragon right in the face.”
She sees that she about to take a real bad one, and her reign at the top bout to be short like leprechauns, or like Tyrion for that matter. She gets all the way outta dodge before she loses her whole 3-dragon lead she had on the 7 kingdoms.
Euron is like, Oh well, since we can’t get you we’ll mash on your crew.” Slim ain’t playin’, either! He starts hittin’ them jokers wit giant arrows and this battle never ever started. They clearly been busy down in kings landing makin’ them dragon killin’ gats.
What’s left of Dany’s fleet is a wrap. Tyrion abandons ship and next thing you know, unsullied and random soldiers are washing up on the shores of Dragonstone. All except Missandei, and Grey Worm is losin’ his shit over his lady not being there.
Back at Kings Landing, Cersei is gettin the news straight from Euron that he snatched up a dragon for her. She really feelin’ this cat now. Lions and Kraken rum for errybody!! Then she tells him they got a baby on the way that will keep the party goin’.
Qyburn is like, “Yeah slim, it’s time for you to start swag surfin’, cuz you on a roll.” Then we see Missandei been caught up in the drama, and know she prolly might not make it to Naath with her man Big Worm. Cersei clownin her on some, “Chain breaker my ass!”
Big Worm is like, “Give the okay and we’ll storm the castle and smash on all them fools,” and Dany is ready for all the smoke. Varys tries to walk her back and breaks down that Cersei done got all the people into the main castle to be human shields.
Dany’s like, “What I care about them fools. They ain’t do shit but root for a new king when my daddy got snuck!”
Varys is tryin to sell that be cool action, but she just watched another dragon go down, and her road dawg Missandei is on lock down. She’s not into the soft approach, but says lets at least let the people know I tried to be chill before I kill em all.
Varys and Tyrion back to talkin Aegon vs Danerys and who they should be behind. Tyrion musta bet money wit the iron bank or plannin’ to take Jon’s place cuz he all the way gone behind Dany and at this point she lunchin’ hard.
Varys says that she ain’t got no cock, and lords love cocks even if he ain’t got one. Dany is too busy tryna get revenge and that’s that hot bama shit. Cersei gotta go, but not like this man. Varys let’s it be known shorty gotta go. Tyrion lookin like he bout to drop dime on the whole CMB organization too.
Back at Winterfell, Jaimie sees his new boo, and Sansa gettin’ word about what happened down at Dragonstone. Jam Jam decided that it’s a cold world and he really one of the coldest when it comes to his twin.
Brienne is knocked out when Jamie tries to ghost his new shorty the old fashioned way by disappearing while she sleepin’. Brienne wakes up like, “Oh nah, not like this bruh!”
She begs her new dude to stay outta that shit and let your sister die the death she deserves. Except Jamie is hooked on sister guts and won’t fake out on her no more. Brienne tries to tell him he’s too good for her, but he’s like, “Girl, you know I’m trash. I been trash since the moment me and Cersei started smashing.”
He leaves his new girlfriend cryin’ while he trots back to Kings Landing.
At Kings Landing, Tyrion and Qyburn exchange terms of surrender. Qyburn is like, “Dude, y’all are done, and we back on top. Take the L and bend the knee.”
Tyrion tries to appeal to her soft side, but Cersei don’t even sleep on soft pillows. That broad ain’t hearin’ none of the dumb shit her shrimp ass brotha is talkin bout. So she gives Missandei a chance to say some last words.
Missandei know she bout to die, so she like “Yep, burn this muhfucka down!”
The Mountain chops off her dome and Big Worm is devastated. Dany lookin like she bout to burn down the whole kingdom, but that’s gonna be interesting to say the least.
At every high point, they got giant sized dragon arrows and whatnot.
Next week it’s goin’ down!