Our boy Billy from down in Washington, DC breaks down the final season of Game of Thrones in the way that only he can.
In the highly anticipated third episode of the final season of Game of Thrones, we open up with the combined forces of North Westeros and Danerys’ army yellin’ “SQUAAAAAAAD! Put em in the coffin!!”.
They know the army of the dead is out there on a creep move. Then outta nowhere, Lady Melissandre aka “Red Dead Redemption”, aka “I got that fiyah!” comes creepin out of the forest all on her lonesome, casting Lord of light spells on all the Dothraki swords. She then went on in to Winterfel and told Davos she was goin’ in the back to pump Donna Summers last dance cuz she was out by morning time.
Bamas decided that was the cue to make shit happen. So they haul tail to the front line to bring the fight straight to the whites. ‘Ceptin these not a bunch of angry khaki wearin’, tiki torch carryin’ angry whites. These are those north of the wall, you all bout to die tuh-nite white walkin types!!
They ate them Dothraki’s like Halloween candy right after you get back home from trick or treating. Yeah the army of the dead wasn’t trickin’ but they were definitely treatin’ the living to death.
Ser Jorah came back like, “Oh Hell nah, they dyin’ dyin’ up that way!!”
When Dany saw how her top lieutenant came back scurred den a bish, she knew what time it was. Jon Jon tried to get her to pause, but she bout that life. She told her nephew to play “Eye of the Tiger” while she got to work.
The army of the dead came thru like it wasn’t a game and started slaughterin the front line. Dany and Jon got on their flying flamethrowers and started lighting up dead men.
Then winter really came with a snowstorm that Jon and Dany couldn’t see through for shit! Arya could see this wasn’t a fight her big sis was built for, so she sent her down to the crypt to be better safe than sorry.
Down on the battlefield, we see assorted soldiers doin’ their best to not end up carryin’ tiki torches and screamin’, “You will not replace us.” Ed got merck’d savin’ Sam tho, DAMN DAMN DAMN!!
More rumbling was going down but it’s obvi that it’s a lost cause. Bamas start yellin’ “Retreat!!!”, and plenty of jokers were like “Shiiiiiiiit, I been fell back, ion know whatchu been waiting on!!”
We already watched one set of brown folk get mashed, now the Unsullied are takin’ one for the team and blocking a path so errybody runnin’ back can get to Winterfell behind the gates.
Melissandre came back out one mo ‘gain to cast another Lord of Light spell on the trenchs but she got that look in her eye like she bout to die. She chantin’ like Tina Turner after she left Ike. Trench ain’t burnin’ tho. Finally that wood catches fire and the trench is lit. The army of the dead ain’t fading that fire one bit. So they give the living a chance to catch their breath.
Down in the crypt, Tyrion is beefin’ about how he got a gift of these hands ready and willing, but bamas stay fakin’ on his skills. Sansa breaks it down to him and tells him no matter how much heat he brings he ain’t built for what’s poppin’ upstairs.
They start giving each other the eye, but she lets him know it’s a done deal cuz he reps for the dragon chick. Missandie shuts it all down and let’s it be known if not for the dragon chick, they’d already be dead. Gotta feel for the only brown woman in a crypt fulla northern folks for real.
Over by the weirwood tree, 3-eyed-Bran, aka “Weird dude rolling” is with Theon, aka “I got my nuts back for this fight”. Theon is feeling some type of way since he knows this prolly his last night. He cops a plea to Bran, but weird man rolling let him know the beef been squashed. He told him all he’s done is what got him here for this last game of fortnite. Then right after that, Bran checked out to play Raven PlayStation.
Theon let the iron born know it’s about to go down and they need to get ready for the action. Besides, this dude Bran could be playing PlayStation all night.
The dead men decide that they tired of waiting and make moves to get over the burning trench. Bodies start dropping to make a path for the rest of the crew. The scrap is back on and they coming in droves for the wall.
Before they can blink, they at the top of the wall and in da building. Kats are givin’ errything they got to keep em back, but this army is a hunnid grand strong. They just ain’t got the odds in they favor to keep em back.
Arya is showin’ and provin’ that from dancing lessons to rolling with the many face God, she got skills to pay them bills and these dead fools dying again when they see her and that special order weapon she got from her boo Gendry.
Davos said he ain’t much for scrapping. He watching Arya get biz and thinkin’, “Why she so fire and I’m such a sucka?”
Eventually she can’t stand the heat either and gotta bounce. Beric is tryna get Hound Dawg to quit being so beeyotch made when he like 6’7″. Hound dawg coppin’ mad pleas about it’s a waste of time and the battle is a wrap. He points over to Arya getting biz and says, “You gon let that lil girl outwork you cuz???” Finally Hound Dawg, inspired, got back to wreckin.
Winterfell is all but a wrap at this point. Dead men are errywhere and Lil Lyanna, aka “lil’ baby boss” aka “I talk you listen” watched a dead Giant come bustin through the door like the Kool aid man.
She straight stuck cuz slim easily 15-feet tall and she like 4’5″. Kool aid smacks lil mama out the way and starts sweeping the leg like he rock wit the Cobra Kai dojo!! Lyanna in a bad way but her mama ain’t raise no sucka. She stepped to Kool aid knowing she was a wrap.
Right before she died, she took Kool aid out wit dragon glass to the eye. Never has one Lil lady warmed my heart more than the sand box bully. Let’s have a moment of silence for a real G goin out like a true soldier!! House Mormont SALUTE!!!
Flash into the halls of Winterfell and Arya is on the run. She plays a round of hide and go seek wit the dead mob. She’s playing to win and catches up wit Hound Dawg and Beric. They all on the run, but Beric gets shanked way too many times to survive.
They get to a room with Melissandre and block themselves in. Beric takes a seat and, for whatever reason, Red Dead Redemption ain’t wanna save him like Thoros did for him all the time. Eventually after they realize they’re straight, Arya tells em peace so she can get back in the action!!
Jon and Dany kissing the sky on their dragons and doin’ their best to try and track down the night king. They above the clouds but slim is straight playing with they emotions while he dips in and out. Finally they catch up wit the Boss white.
They go about three rounds before Jon and Rhegal get into some serious action with boss white and Viserion. Rhegal straight rips half of Viserion’s face off. Viserion wasn’t tripping tho cuz, well, he dead, and what’s half a face to a dead cat?
In the midst of the action, boss white gets knocked off of Viserion and falls. Dany and Drogon go looking for ole boy. Rhegal jive caught some work in the wreck wit his dead brova, so he had to tap out for a few while Jon hit the deck.
Danerys finally peeps the night king looking like he hit the Powerball and didn’t just fall like 15,000 feet to the ground. She tells Drogon to light him up. Flames are burnin’ high AF but then she sees the boss white smiling at her like he just got a call to go see his boy Trump at the WHITE house.
Jon starts tryna run up on the night king, but just when he gets close enough to make a move, slim lifts up his arms. All the dead men start coming back to life. From Dothraki, to Ed to lil Lyanna! Back down in the crypt we start seeing all of the dead Starks coming to life and breaking out of their boxes!!!
Suddenly Jon is surrounded and it’s looking real bad for a playa. The night king walks off and tells his army to handle his light work. Jon starts doin’ what he can but it’s looking bleak until Drogon and Dany come thru to save the day.
Jon is thinkin’ about tryna get to 3-eyed-Bran since he knows that’s where boss white is headed. When he steps off Dany gets overrun by dead men. Drogon is like he ain’t sign up for none of this foolishness and leaves Danerys to fend for herself. She’s looking like she’s about to take a bad one when Jorah comes through to save his Khaleesi. Jon is fighting to get through Winterfell to Bran but dead bamas are errywhere and falling out the sky from Drogon.
Bran still playing PlayStation while the iron born are falling left and right. All that’s left is No Nuts No Glory, but he’s handling his B I. Down in the crypt all the women and children are getting slaughtered. Sansa and Tyrion are hiding out and they look at each other like maybe they shoulda did what Gendry and Arya did the night before. Tyrion ain’t built for hiding tho and decided that they gotta make moves. He grabs Sansa by the hand, kisses it and says Lego!! They duck and dodge til they run up on Varys and some more folks hiding.
Flashback to topside and Jon still can’t seem to get to Bran. Dead jokers are coming left and right. All the heroes of Winterfell are getting dusted like they facing Thanos in Infinity War. Now Viserion is on the scene and he’s blasting that breath-ice-fire on anybody who wants it. Jon is pinned down and can’t get by him.
Over by the weirwood tree, Theon has done all he can but the Night King and his crew are making their move for Bran. Finally Bran quits playing PlayStation to tell Theon he a good dude. That’s when he knew it was his cue to go and try and kill the Night King. He failed and took a shank to the gut and just like that the dead may never die, but tonight Theon dead den a muhfucka.
Boss white is like finally, I got this weird ass Raven where I want him. Bran just sits there cool and calm waiting for what Boss man got for him. Dany and Jorah fighting to the last and Jorah is takin’ mad lumps in the process of tryna save his Khaleesi.
Jon says, “F*** the berlshit and decides to go face to face with Viserion. Just as he’s about to get cold fire rained on him, and Boss Man White is about to snatch up 3rd eye Bran, Arya comes flying into the picture like she just watched Come Fly Wit Me and pumping that Future Jumpman joint.
The Night King got them ill reflexes tho, and catches her right before she was about to dunk em and go hard wit those special edition Westeros J’s. He had one hand on her neck and the other holding her from smashing with the same blade that was used to try and kill Bran.
The Night King wasn’t ready tho cuz Arya got them crazy moves!! She dropped that blade from left to right and sent that shank right into Boss Whites gut!! Arya Got Damn Stark FOR THE MF’n WIN Slim!!!
Boss White and all his top lieutenants explode like them cheap fireworks you buy a month after 4th of July!
In this moment, Arya did her best Della Reese from Harlem Nights impression, and told them to Kiss Her Entire Ass!!
The spell is broken and the army of the dead is dead for good.
Jon watches Viserion drop, and Dany sees her ace Jorah call for a permanent time out. We get to see what’s left and who ain’t dead. Jorah is done tho.
Bran gives Arya the head nod for that move she used. Then we see Melissandre come from the cut to take a stroll. She walks off as she drops her necklace that keeps her young. After that drops she gets mad old real quick and fades.
Davos is happy but so many folk died that he can’t really be all that amped.
The army of the living yelled checkmate, and it’s on to Kings Landing to take out Cersei!!
To check out previous installments of Game of Thrones: The Black Barbershop Breakdown, click here.