Our boy Billy from down in Washington, DC breaks down the final season of Game of Thrones in the way that only he can.
In last night’s Episode 2 of the final season of Game of Thrones, we find Jamie Lanister opening up the show like he just got finished pumpin’ that Nas on the ride up from Kings Landing. He talkin’ bout all he needs is One Mic, I mean one hand, to help the North face off with the Army of the Dead.
But Dany wasn’t tryna hear none of it. She was steady plottin’ on how she was gonna slay the king slayer, aka the man who ethered her pops. She got heated, talm’bout how Jamie did the dirty deed and then watched her pop dukes bleed out, then proceeded to take a seat on the Iron Throne while dancin’ like Puffy and bumpin’ the chorus to “Life’s a B****”.
Classic track off ‘Illmatic’. Nas committed the cardinal sin on this one, he allowed the Guest MC to outshine him on his own track. AZ kills this one
Sansa seems to be down wit that plan cuz he jumped her Daddy that one time at Kings Landing and pushed her baby bro out that window when he caught Jamie and his sister doin’ the horizontal Humpty Dance. So she definitely wasn’t losing no sleep over Lanister takin’ that long nap.
Then, out the blue, Brienne plays “captain save a hoe”.
“This dude kept my treats safe, he got me strapped and ready for action,” Brienne said in Jamie’s defense. “He set me on a path to save Sansa and, hoe, you’d be all kindsa dead up in this jon’t if he ain’t rep that oath he made wit your moms.”
Sansa was sold and let it be known that up in Winterfell, she runs shit!! She was like, “If Lady B got his back then his back is got!!!”
Dany looks for her boo to back her play to merck Ser James, but Jon Jon thinking bout all them dead bamas on the way and basically said, “If all he needs is one mic, let James rock da mic and get to scrapping.
Dany is deflated like a mofo! She looking at the dude who killed her pops and she don’t wanna let that shit slide. But nevertheless, Jamie gets his sword and his chance to join the army of the dead, while looking at Big B like he from Baltimore and can’t wait to get his smash on with the big girl.
Death has many faces. The final season of Game of Thrones airs Sundays on HBO.
Dany lets Tyrion have it for bein’ dumb enough to believe anything that his sister has to say, then reminds him that he could be the weak link in her quest to get the Iron Throne back. He knows he can’t really say too much cuz he caped up for his brother too hard and she been takin’ too many L’s
Arya still waiting on her special order weapon from Gendry, but he’s been too busy makin’ straps for errybody else to get to her special request. But cats ain’t sittin’ there recognizin’ that she got a bag full of faces. A BAG FULL OF FACES!!! And she’s wonderin’ how she can add to her arsenal if they already dead.
Gendry tries to warn her that she really ain’t ready, but he’s definitely intrigued because she been boppin’ around Winterfell with “Who Shot Ya” as her own personal theme music.
Weird man sitting, aka “My ramp gofundme is laced!”, aka 3-eyed-Bran, faces Jamie for the first time since he regretted not listenin’ to his mama about recklessly climbing all over that damn dreary castle as a kid.
Jamie can’t for the life of him figure out why Bran ain’t drop dime on him for that Pusha T move he made in the tower. Weird man riding told him he ain’t really Bran no more. He been Delivert!! Besides, they need bodies to fight the dead more than he needs payback.
The Lanister Bros chop it up for a few, then Jamie sees his old road Dawg Brienne, aka “BeBe Wynin all the time” about not bein a Knight. He tells her that he’s tryin to roll wit her squad and have her back when the battle jumps off. He ain’t built like he used to be and since it’s a wrap, he’d much rather go down rumbling next to her.
Danerys rolls up on Sansa to try and find some common ground. They laugh about how soft dudes get once they get a lil sumthin sumthin and how her brova got his nose wide open off some dragon draws. Dany tells her, “Nah boo, your short ass bruvva got me open too, got me here in this ugly ass, dirty ass winter shit when I’m from down souf. But I’m still bout that throne life.”
Sansa don’t give 2 shits about the iron throne. All’s she cares about is the north and how Danerys is gon’ carry it once she get her seat.
Then “No Nuts, No Glory”, aka Theon aka Reek comes back to Winterfell to pledge his sword to Sansa and Danerys starts to see that up north, they puttin more respeck on Sansa’s name than hers.
Ser Davos is feeding folk and grown ass men cryin’ about not bein’ soldiers. Davos ain’t got time to hold they hand, and then he sees a lil youngin who reminds him of Stanis’ daughter. Lil punchy wants that work, and she ain’t bout that hide-underground life.
Then the double up horse mob rolls in the gates from linkin’ up at Last Hearth. Tormund grabs on Jon Jon like he ain’t seen him in years, but really only worried if Big Brienne is in the building.
The trailer is here. #GameofThrones The Final Season begins April 14 on HBO.
A meeting of the heads of state takes place where they set the stage for how the battle is gonna jump off. Heads ain’t ready for the heavy hitters the army of the dead rockin’, so they need to figure out how to get the night king to come out.
Somebody asked if they should say something bout his mama or whether or not dragon fire can break him down. Weird man rolling tells em that the 3-eyed-Raven been at odds with him like TI and Floyd over Tiny forever.
He ain’t sure how to mash on him, but if he snuffs out the 3-eyed-Raven and takes over, errybody better get ready to go Nite Nite!!
Bran is the bait, and Theon kinda sorta got his nuts back and talkin’ tough. Dany tells Tyrion to go hide and get outta dodge!! Reality sets in and Tormund let’s it be known that it’s basically a done deal for all of em. At least they’ll go down together though.
We get reminded that the North ain’t that magical place them Ancestry.com commercials say mixed couples can run to. Instead Grey Worm is like Nas in Belly and tells Missandie they need to bounce to Africa.
Africa is FAR!
It’s cold as beans and these northerners actin like some Southies from Boston. Missandie says we ain’t goin to Africa cuz it’s far, but we can go to Narth where they got beaches and she can rock that bikini she been talkin’ to him about. Except her folks in Narth ain’t bout that fighting life.
Big Worm say it’s no stress cuz he rolls wit a crew that specializes in wreckin’ shop. So once the war is a wrap, they bouncin’!
What’s left of the night’s watch crew comes together, and Jon tries to get Sam to go and hide wit the womenz and babies.
Sam was like, “Hol’ up son! I started this bout it-bout it shit!! I’m the first one to kill a White Walker! And even tho I ain’t bout that life, love books and is the only MF ups in here wit’ a libray card, I gets down for mines!”
Sittin’ up by the fire, Brienne, Jamie, Tyrion, Davos, Podrick and Tormund start drinking to their last night on earf. Tormund sees that Brie Brie might got eyes for the king killer. So, he tells a story about giant titty milk and how he got more action than all of em for his boo Brienne.
Arya goes to ask why Hound dawg is even bothering with the fight cuz he’s not down for any cause that don’t line his pockets wit paper. Hound dawg just wants to drink and enjoy his last night alone til Beric comes along and kills the vibe, tryna to preach about the Lord of light.
Then Arya goes to see Gendry again about her special order weapon. He has it for her, but Arya wants to see if he has a lil bit more for her, if you know what I’m sayin’?
Lil Ary gets bucket naked and does the grownup thing for the first time. Gendry was ready and popped that Keith Sweat joint in for the background ambiance.
Right and a Wrong Way to love somebodaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy
Back by the fire, Brie Brie tries to lie and say she don’t wanna be a knight. Tormund tells her he’d nite nite her ass erryday, all day if he could. Then Jam Jam does the work and makes Brienne a Ser. She can’t hold back them eye sweats and now she’s bout that knight life.
Now we see Jorah tryin to tell his Lil cousin, who next to Arya, might be the illest Lil lady in Westeros, to fall back and lay low. Lyanna Mormont, aka “I talk you listen” aka sandbox bully tells her cuzzo that he needs to kick rocks wit that conversation! She says she ain’t hardly bout to hide wit the babies.
He sees that she ain’t hearin’ none of that foolishness, and proceeds to quote that Wu-Tang, Protect Ya Neck, joint.
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Then Sam tells Jorah that since his Khaleesi done kil’t off his whole house, that Jorah’s the best man to fight with his father’s sword, which happens to be some of that primo Valeryian steel! Jorah graciously accepts the White Walker killin’ tool and heads off for battle.
Winterfell sets up for what’s likely gonna be the last stand.
Down in the crypt, we see Jon Jon staring at his mama’s statue. Danerys comes in to spend some time with her boo. She asks who the chick is he’s looking at, like she wanna check his phone or somethin’, and he breaks it down quite flat.
He tells her that’s his mama and that her brother loved her like a fat kid loves cake. Her brother was da pappy to the baby Lyanna Stark had and that his real name is Aegon Targeryan.
Dany is jive conflicted but not cuz she been sleeping with her nephew, but cuz that dude got the line on the throne she want so bad.
The Dead are already here. The final season of Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO.
We hear the horn sound and before she can keep crying about not bein, the rightful heir, the army of the dead is off in the distance and IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!
Next week, it’s gonna get ig’nant!