Our boy Billy from down in Washington, DC breaks down the final season of Game of Thrones in the way that only he can.
So, as the final season of Game of Thrones got underway with the first episode on Sunday night, we saw a walk up of the longest choir processional singing “soon and very soon we are going to see the king” in mega church history!!
Danerys and her new boo Jon Snow, aka Aegon Targeryan, aka “I ain’t a bastard no more”, came rolling up on the scene flexing with dragons for those who thought they might wanna act up.
While this long ass procession continued, we saw Tyrion clownin’ Varys on some no nuts, no glory ish. Then we peeped how when them northerners saw Grey Worm, Missandie and the rest of them brown folk riding on horses, and I got the distinct impression that they were looking at them like Stephen did when he saw Django ridin’ in on horseback to Candyland. But I digress.
“I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.” The final season of Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO
They finally made it to Winterfell, and no one seemed to be all that amped. Bran was on his three-eyed Raven, weird dude steez. Sansa was looking like Ike Turner because her brother brought home more mouths to feed, and what she gon do wit two mo’ kids?
Jon can’t be more siced to show off his new boo to the fam, but they ain’t hardly feeling this southern chick. When they finally gather in the big hall to chop it up and break down how they gon’ roll from here, Lil Lady Lyanna Mormont, aka the sandbox bully, aka “I talk, you listen,” was talkin’ bout, “How you gon’ step off wit a crown and come back tellin’ us to get down or lay down? You soft slim! The Norf ain’t built like that, and you out here on some sucka for love ish!”
Jon tried to give em the rundown, but after Sansa tried to back up her homie Lyanna, Danerys clapped back and let em know that dragons eat what they want and y’all ain’t hardly bout to carry me while I’m sitting here!
When they broke camp, Tyrion and Sansa chopped it up a bit. Sansa let Tyrion know that he’s stupid for takin’ anything his sister says as gospel. Arya finally saw her favorite big brotha, but was like, “On my Muva, you best not forget who your blood is homie.”
Fight for the living. #GameofThrones returns for its final season on April 14.
Switch over to Kings Landing. Euron and the Golden Company finally stepped on the scene. He told Yara real quick that she was gonna be tied up for while, and Cersei was finally bout to give him her treats.
We meet the HNIC of the golden company, then Euron, aka CEO of Prestige Woldwide presents Boats and Hoes, let Cersei know she can’t keep playing coy wit Dem treats. She tried to break him down, but slim got his eyes on the prize and finally got his chance at glory.
For some reason, Cersei is mad caught up wit’ elephants, but she gets over it and tells ole boy Euron to kick rocks after he got his rocks off. Yara got freed after her scary ass brotha finally grew a new pair and got her, then chose to join the fight against the army of the dead.
Back at Winterfell Varys, Tyrion, and Davos were rappin’ a bit and Davos told em that Jon Jon needs to go head on and marry his auntie. Meanwhile Jon is over with Danny and they’re making goo goo eyes at each other. Danny knows Sansa ain’t feeling her, but she been bumping the Lox lately and she talkin like Lil Kim. She already got the money and the power, so Sansa best put some Respeck on her name. It’s what she need in life!
The LOX – Money, Power, Respect (feat. Lil Kim & DMX) (Official Video)
Next thing we see is a magical ride on the reading rainbow with the dragons. Danny is over there dreaming of spending her life with Jon, but them dragons was looking at him like they knew who he really is, but she still they mama.
The hound gets a proper dead man killin’ axe and clowns Gendry instead of giving him his props. Arya came thru to remind the hound who the real G is between them, and asks for her own special weapon.
Sansa still got heat for her uncle/brother for bending the knee and not reppin’ the Norff like her daddy. She knows he’s a sucka for love and not giving him a break behind that shit. Sir Jorah wanted Danny to meet Smooth Sam, who saved him from the grey-scale death he was facing. Instead Sam found out that Danny merck’d his pops and brother.
Sam, being one of the few stand up dudes in the world, fell back from cussin’ her ass out and acting a fool. But he was heated, yo!
Sam was told by Bran that it’s about time Jon gets the rundown on who he really is out here. Sam tells Jon about how Grimy Danny really is and why she ain’t built for the throne the way he is. He gives Jon the news that he’s really a dragon and wolf.
“Dude, you a Targeryan and da real boss out here in these streets!”
Jon really ain’t bout that life and don’t want that beef, but Sam broke it down quite flat and now he’s gotta choose between being the Queen’s new boo thang or being her nephew.
Death has many faces. The final season of Game of Thrones airs Sundays on HBO.
Over at House Umber, Tormund got mistaken for a blue eyed devil, but he said, “I ain’t dead, son!” while he and Ser Beric were creeping through the halls. Ed showed them the Umber boy pinned to the wall, and they knew that the army of the dead was on its way to Winterfell. They bounced so they could pass the word and get ready for war.
Jamie creeps into Winterfell thinking he gonna show up and get some love for keeping his word. But that lil’ dude he shoved out the window way back when all this Game of Thrones ish jumped off is waiting for him at the gate, like your girl when you leave your phone unlocked and she see a text sayin’ “I love you too” from Dominos!