As Chris Brown awaits word on whether or not Frank Ocean will formally file charges related to their reported fight in and outside of a Los Angeles area studio, this week’s fictional roundtable looks at their Rhythm & Beef, and what if any consequences should the channel ORANGE creator and his “channel RAGE” counterpart face.
Ray Lewis: Before we get into this, can we start off with a prayer?
Colin Kaepernick: Oh, boy.
Bobby Brown: Tom Brady wouldn’t have wanted to lead with a benediction.
Ray Lewis: Yes, yet as the man upstairs will tell you: “I never will take you through hell without bringing you to triumph.”
Bobby Brown: Are you saying that it’s going to be hell having a conversation or what? I’m confused. And before you ask, I’m completely sober this afternoon.
Ray Lewis: What I’m saying is that it’s the God in me, which is why I’m sitting up here now and not your losing-ass quarterback. Now can I get an amen?
Lil’ Wayne: Young Moolah, baby!
Colin Kaepernick: Same difference?
Drake: Speaking of the Lord, I wish he’d answer my prayers and music would find Chris’ replacement already.
Bobby Brown: Ladies and gentleman, MC Spin The Bottle is in the house!
Drake: Watch it. Don’t you want me to sample “Rock Wit’Cha” so you can buy yourself a new ride and relevance?
Bobby Brown: You’re two sarcastic comments away from me misplacing your two front teeth.
LL Cool J: Yo, don’t let that stomach fool you. Bobby’s still got the swing. Now for Canada’s safety, can we get back to Chris Brown being a b!tch?
Bobby Brown: How do we know that Frank Ocean didn’t start the fight, though?
Justin Timberlake: He’s a lover, not a fighter; as opposed to Christopher who is…
LL Cool J: A biter, antagonist, and…
Ray Lewis: …a damn heathen! That Meteor Man villain looking fool compared himself to Jesus the Christ. Not my Jesus! A pop and lock is no match for what my Jesus did for me and my Ravens.
Colin Kaepernick: Well, what he did for you until this Sunday,anyway.
Ray Lewis: Stand back, Satan.
Drake: Mr. Kang of R&B, I’m a bit surprised you’re so defensive of Chris. I mean, it’s not like the media gave you that many chances at rehabilitating your image. And what did you do? Hump the stage. Snort some coke – allegedly. Drink a lot of beer – obviously. Curse a lot of people out. Who hasn’t. Not pay your child support. Dude, times got hard for you after the media crucified you.
Ray Lewis: If Bobby Brown, or anyone else for that matter, wasn’t nailed to a cross and told to die in the heat, it wasn’t any damn crucifixion.
Drake: I stand corrected. Thank you Bishop Ray for that clarification. What I meant to say, Bobby, was when the media made you look really, really bad based on some of your transgressions, obviously you weren’t able to cover all of your responsibilities being an out of work singer with a drug habit and all. Still, you didn’t beat on the Princess of Barbados.
LL Cool J: And he you didn’t take a swing at Black Elton John.
Justin Timberlake: Yeah, why are you so protective of that sum’bitch, Bobby?
Bobby Brown: Have y’all forgotten one of my biggest hits? I may have made some mistakes and dipped into one too many stashes, but inside this bad boy of R&B lies an even badder heart. Bad meaning good.
LL Cool J: I figured it out: He wants Chris to write Bobbi Kristina one to three hits.
Bobby Brown: With a Lil’ Wayne feature, only when Weezy is rapping with a clear head.
Colin Kaepernick: On second thought, maybe we should get Ray to lead another prayer. Someone’s going to need it relying on a hot verse from Wayne nowadays.
LL Cool J: Say, am I wrong for wondering why R&B singers are fighting anyway?
Bobby Brown: What kind of BS is that? You don’t think David Ruffin ever went upside somebody’s head? Who thinks Barry White never had to pull out a box cutter on someone for being Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl? I bet Luther Vandross has had to take off the sequin jacket and karate chop somebody in the throat. Gay men fight like UFC fighters. We might be singers, but we ain’t suckers.
LL Cool J: Point taken, Boston. You can turn the volume back down now.
Drake: So what happens if Frank presses charges and Breezy ends up someone’s Beyoncé in jail?
Justin Timberlake: Maybe he’ll finally learn to channel his rage better and leave it all on the dance floor.
LL Cool J: Should he really be pressing charges? Why not lick your wounds and keep going?
Drake: As a member of law enforcement, shouldn’t you be for justice, my elder rap statesman? You took an oath.
LL Cool J: Yes, an oath to play a cop on a Hollywood set for seven figures a year.
Drake: Well, whatever, you take a swing, you take the charge. And need I remind everyone that the only blood on the dance floor MJ left was in a video.
Justin Timberlake: If Michael Jackson died so that Chris Brown could live, humanity deserves a refund.