As Kenyan grandmothers lead village twerk-offs over President Obama’s re-election abroad and conservative white people act as if their own grannies died in their arms over the defeat of his Republican challenger , one wonders: Just what is Mitt Romney going to do now that his dream of becoming President Gordon Gekko is over? And more importantly, what can he learn from the electoral fade he caught on Tuesday?
In this week’s roundtable, those who have suffered crushing defeats in their own careers offer the former Massachusetts governor insight on how to move forward now that’s Obama’s Forward branded campaign has defeated him.
Al Gore (losing Democratic presidential nominee): Well, before we dig into the nuts and bolts of this, I’d like to begin with a quote from one of my all-time favorite songs that’s perfect for the occasion. It goes: “Who shot ya? Separate the weak from the obsolete.” I bet y’all thought the only dead Wallace I knew was named George. Who do you think screened all the CDs Tipper wanted to slap those parental advisory stickers on? In any event, let’s proceed and give Mittens what he needs.
Justin Guarini (American Idol runner-up, 2002): I think right now you should be saying to yourself, “I made it this far, I’m so lucky to have this experience.” It’s been a peculiar few months for you, Mitt, but you know, you’re still alive, you’re still a very determined and motivated person. It’s definitely not the end. It’s just the beginning for you!
Justin Guarani: Justin Guarani from American Idol. I was the runner up on the very first season of the show. Made a movie with Kelly Clarkson. You probably don’t recognize me because I chopped off my Sideshow Bob hair.
Keri Hilson: I think we both know none of that is worth remembering. So why are you really here?
Justin Guarani: Jennifer Hudson’s flight got delayed and they asked me to keep her seat warm.
Al Gore: Well, to the seat filler’s credit, attitude does play some role into the relevance of a defeated presidential candidate. Do you know why every morning I can wake up can say to the world, “Bitch, I know you see me?” Because I hustle, hustle, hustle…hard. Meanwhile, Michael Dukakis, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are somewhere playing bid whist on Irrelevant Island. Always remember that closed mouths don’t get fed.
Tamar Braxton (still not the Braxton people most want to hear sing): OG Gore has a point! I mean, the electorate told you to have a stadium of seats, Mitt, but that don’t mean you can’t eventually rise up from the seats. You don’t have to go out like a sucker!
Al Gore: However, it should be noted that Mitt Romney ran his campaign like one.
Tamar: True tea! Yet and still just because you lost and voters dropped your dreams in the trash the same way they ditched my album in the clearance bin at the now defunct Tower Records – that joint was GOOD, by the way – that doesn’t mean you have to go ghost.
Keri Hilson: I sure haven’t. No matter how many times fans tell me, “You will never sing, dance, tweet, breath, or eat chicken as good as Beyoncé does.” I stick around. I say them haters don’t like; them hoes don’t like that.
Tamar Braxton: Umm, in your case that continues to not work out so well for you, but do like the public, Mitt, and pay her no mind. Anyway, let’s get back to what I was saying. Now you probably can’t do a reality show because you’re boring as hell. However, maybe you can do a movie or something. OG, didn’t you do a documentary about Captain Planet’s nightmare or something?
Al Gore: I sure did, Tay-Tay. That gives me an idea. You know, Mitt, you didn’t bring Mormonism to the mainstream as much as your fellow magic underwear wearers had hoped. Why not do a some kind documentary about your faith and the big heart Mormons have? Call it Big Love. Oh wait, that’s been done. You get the idea, though. You’ll get invited to the Oscars. And don’t you worry about the liberals in Hollywood giving you a hard time. Just remember that whenever Clint Eastwood is around there’s an empty seat for you.
Michael Vick (longstanding beef with man’s best friend, currently an Eagle with clipped wings): I think before Mitt can move forward, he’s got to realize why he lost. Don’t listen to Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and those other loud, cranky white men claiming Hurricane Sandy and EBT loving Hispanics are behind your loss. Your campaign didn’t play at a high level. You didn’t bring the rest of the country with you. You didn’t speak to the average American. You guys in your party have got to learn that. You Republicans also have to realize that much like those dogs they locked me up for, Ronald Reagan is dead, never coming back, and quite frankly, probably wouldn’t win with this current electorate either. Embrace change. Let that into your heart the way I like Benji into mine.
Tamar Braxton: That was deep. So deep you almost feel bad about his team losing so badly this season. Oop! I tried it.
Al Gore: Well said, Mike. Now can we wrap this up already? As sympathetic as I am to a losing candidate, it’s time for me to celebrate a Democrat winning without the need of Florida. America: F**k Yeah!
Al Gore: Come on, everyone. Drop that ass for Obama and give it up for health care for the mamas. Mitt, you can join in if you want. You already showed your ass trying to beat Barack, might as well drop it for him.