Celebrity Roundtable: Beyonce’s Taking Lunch Money

By now you’ve heard that despite its critical acclaim, Beyoncé’s 4 wasn’t the breakout hit like any of its predecessors. Much of that had to do with the Houston native having some beans in that oven, but now that she’s shaken the baby weight and put the kinfolk on baby-sitting duty, Beyoncé is ready to usher in 2013 with a new album. Already she’s announced a gig performing halftime at the Super Bowl, plus an HBO documentary and a $50 million dollar deal with Pepsi that will see the soft drink company paying her to…be Beyoncé.

All before we’ve even heard the new single.

It’s clear someone wants the top spot back, but is she about to make it hard for the other R&B singers trying to breakthrough? In this week’s roundtable, singers not named Beyoncé debate whether Beyoncé is about to be way too overbearing.

Keri Hilson: When I said that heifer needed to go have some babies and sit down, I should’ve been more specific. Like have a baby, sit down and don’t get up until the kid starts kindergarten. Already she’s starting her usual antics. Brandy drops an album, she wants to announce she’s going to do that same booty pop at the Super Bowl. Someone else releases a new video, then she throws out a 30 second trailer for an HBO doc about how great she thinks she is. I bet the day Jesus decides to come back she’ll drop a sex tape with his daddy to steal his shine.

Frank Ocean: You sound mad, my love. You’ve got remember: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you’re going to get.

Keri Hilson: What in the hell is that supposed to mean, you R&B fortune cookie?

Frank Ocean: It means chew on Beyoncé’s chocolate covered…

Miguel: Wait, cut that out. We are R&B singers. Peace, love, and press and curls, remember?

Keri Hilson: That reminds me, Michael with a G. Why haven’t you returned my calls? You’re too busy with her highness to record with me now? How are you going to hit me about my beautician, but duck me when I want to book studio time?

Miguel: I’m sorry, Miss Keri…

Keri Hilson: …baby!

Miguel: Right. It’s just that, you know, when Beyoncé calls you just…

Keri Hilson: Don’t you say her name to me. Don’t you dare say it anymore. One too many times and she’ll appear out of the ground like Beetlejuice and take my mic away. She’s used to hogging one.

Rihanna: Poor dat. For the record, I don’t have a problem when big sister Beyoncé drops a new album. That Rihanna reign won’t let up so that sounds more like a personal problem for you and…what’s the other one’s name?

Frank Ocean: Kelly Rowland?

Rihanna: No. The other one.

Miguel: Monica?


Rihanna: Nah, I know that one. She’s at church or courtside.

Keri Hilson: Oh, you’re talking about Neo.

Ne-Yo: You rang?

Keri Hilson: Yes, for someone else. I meant Neo from The Matrix. Not Ne-Yo, the “Smooth Criminal” impersonator.

Miguel: Ciara! Don’t be like that, Rih-Rih. She tries.

Rihanna: It, yes.

Miguel: No, no. Like isn’t she doing something right now?


Rihanna: Yeah, it’s called Janet Jackson’s “You Want This.” I liked it the first time when I was five. I would buzz her into the room, but I’m sure she’s busy somewhere picking up my scraps.

Keri Hilson: Enough of that. What about me? My name is Keri, I’m so very fly, oh my, it’s a little bit scary. Boys wanna marry, looking at me Debbie, but they’ll soon forget about it because that overbearing Beyoncé is gonna wanna bury us all with her promo.

Rihanna: Again, sounds like a personal problem. Ain’t that right, pressed out flat top?

Miguel: She’s gotta point there, Miss Keri…

Keri Hilson: …baby!

Miguel: Alright, you can cut that out now. We get it.

Kelly Rowland: You know, Beyoncé is my sister and believe me when I say I swear she truly doesn’t mean to overshadow the rest of us. It’s not her fault she’s better than everyone and we all fall under the light of her blond weave. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll find peace.

Frank Ocean: Namaste.

Keri Hilson: Ladies and gentleman, low self-esteem has entered the room.

Kelly Rowland: See. That’s why no one likes you now. You always have something slick to say. You need to quit acting like the Malficent to Beyoncé‘s Sleeping Beauty. If your new project doesn’t do anything, it’s not her fault. Lil’ Boosie is supposed to get out next year, too. So what, you mad at him?

Keri Hilson: It depends. Did he like “Pretty Girl Rock?”

Ne-Yo: Can we wrap this soon? I actually have a session with her to prep for.

Keri Hilson: So I’m the only one who isn’t afraid to keep it 100? To say that she’s an attention whore who won’t let anyone else bake, fry, broil, steam, simmer or slow cook? That she’s going to appear on every damn event all-next year and do her best to outshine the rest of us?

Frank Ocean: Yep.

Miguel: Pretty much.

Kelly Rowland: God has favorites; keep resubmitting your application like everyone else.

Rihanna: Personal problem. Jah bless you, though.

Back to top