This time of year is supposed to be about family, Jesus, and capitalism, but for some of your favorite celebrities it’s more about courtrooms, custody battles, and cursing baby daddies out over child support. That’s perfectly fine for Thanksgiving, but there should be some kind of decorum in light of the Christmas season being upon us. In the latest celebrity roundtable, we try to get stars currently involved in contentious family squabbles to share their side of the story. Are their baby mamas being greedy? Should these baby daddies shut up and pay their fair share? Will Halle Berry have to sic her man on somebody?
Warren Sapp: Don’t try and make me out to be the bad guy. All I asked was for my baby mama to lower my payment amount. I mean, if TMZ knows I’m broke, why doesn’t she? I had to sell my Js on eBay. Yet, she’s the one talking about she’s frustrated. I can’t afford Famous Footwear kicks, but she’s the one bothered because I can’t pay $30,000 a year anymore. Boo damn hoo. All you gotta do is downgrade from Tyson’s Chicken to the store brand. It all tastes the same with hot sauce.
Royce Reed: You’re sounding really lazy to me, dude. You could be working as Santa Clause at a hood Macy’s near you. Why should your child go without the top brand chicken because you don’t want to get out and get a regular job? Why can’t you stick to the agreements you made with the mother of your child? What kind of man breaks his promises?
Warren Sapp: A broke one. Weren’t you listening?
Chad Johnson: Oh, here she goes. Like big ole Warren Sapp gonna start working as a security guard at the mall so his baby mama won’t have to start wearing Steve Madden. Chile please. You don’t know our struggles. Wait. I heard you got booted from Basketball Wives. So I guess you’ll know in a second, huh?
Terrell Owens: You got fired from the show little lady? You want to come on my show and replace Mo and Kita? I’m sure Dwight will let you join.
Dwight Howard: Nah.
Royce Reed: Ohmigod, I hate him. Do y’all see what I have to deal with?
Halle Berry: Okay, first off, Royce, I’m really sorry you got the boot from Basketball Wives. You were one of my favorites, too. So who’s left now? Drunk Tami and Evilyn? I’ll be late for that. When is Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, back on? Can’t you get on that show?
Chad: Hold on. Halle Berry watches Basketball Wives?
Halle: Don’t be so shocked. Don’t you remember me in B.A.P.S.?
Chad: I try to forget.
Royce Reed: Oop. Shade.
Halle: Not cool, Chad. Anyway, Royce is right about you men needing to step your cookies up and handle their business. There’s a reason people say mother knows best.
Chad: I’d say something slick back to that, but I don’t want to get into a fight with Halle’s UFC fiancé.
Halle: Look who’s trying it today. Do you really want to talk about violence right now, Chad? Think about what you just said and bring that back.
Royce Reed: Ha. Chile please that, sir.
Terrell: I got this, Chad. Tag me in! Tag me in!
Terrell: Mama may be beautiful, but it looks like she’ll have your eye Barney purple if you get out of line. What’s next, Halle? Y’all having a knife fight on Christmas Eve? Pistol-whipping on New Year’s Eve?
Halle: You’re just as bitter as my ex, but I get it. He’s unemployed, too.
Terrell: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your box-office scores in recent years is what really hurts you.
Warren Sapp: Can we get back to the point of this roundtable? My baby needing to understand that when a man’s tax bracket changes, the amount written on his deposit slip must change with it.
Terrell: And might I add that sometimes support can’t come at the appointed time, but the anointed time?
Royce: Yes, let’s get back to the point of this roundtable: Annoying ass baby daddies. Men who don’t provide what they say they will.
Royce: Who try to bully you through the justice system about the child you carried for nine months?
Halle: Talk about it, sis.
Royce: Who try to stop you from moving on with your life, be it moving to France or being able to exploit your past flings with high profile celebrities, like any other red blooded American would if approached by VH1?
Royce: Yes, so what do you have to say? Dwight, don’t even respond, we wouldn’t want to break your precious little gag order, now would we?
Chad: I’ll take bitter for $300, Alex.
Royce: We’ll see how happy you’ll be if your baby mama puts you in jail for missing one more payment, Ocho. And as much as you show off online, you’re Chad out here but you’ll be somebody’s Kelly Rowland in a cell.
Halle: He’ll be like ice, I-C-E. So hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Warren: So, what can we do just to get through the holiday?
Royce: Pay what you owe. You couldn’t have been hit that hard in the head.
Halle: If you want to not fall victim to hypertension, give the mother of your children what they want.
Warren: And what if we don’t?
Halle: Catch the fade. Maybe not like Gabe, but certainly in the courtroom.