C’Mon, Son!!!: Dexter Manley

C’Mon Son is a semi-regular column on The Shadow League where we lovingly tap some fool on the shoulder in order to help them through some personal growth. Today’s moron is former Washington Redskin and current NFL Analyst Dexter Manley, who had this gem of an explanation as to why African-American quarterbacks are so good on their feet:

Yes, you heard that correctly. This fool, on national television, said, “Most of the black quarterbacks, they like running, cause they probably used to run from the laws.”

From the laws!!!

Now, if you’re familiar with Dexter, you kind of look at him like the drunken uncle at your family cookout that does, says and wears some outlandish excrement.

You love him, but he’s always loud and wrong. And yet, still, you laugh every time he opens his mouth. Why? Because he’s your dumb, crazy uncle, that’s why.

It’s all fun and games unless he’s in the presence of others outside of the family. Most of his brain flatulence is met with a chuckle and something along the lines of, “This fool right here!”

But when outsiders hear his misinformed foolishness, that’s when you wanna kick Uncle Dex all up in his hind parts and slap the taste out of his mouth.

We’ve enlisted some of our cinematic icons to give Manley some much needed advice. The first comes from Frank Lucas, regarding Dexter’s sartorial embarrassment:

“What is that you got on? That’s a clown suit, a costume. You’re too loud, you’re making too much noise. The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room!”

Dear Dexter: you cannot go on national television looking like the head of Ronald McDonald’s Secret Service detail. Can’t do it bro.

That might be more egregious than the momentary diarrhea of the lip that you suffered from. I’m calling your friends and family into question right now. Whoever let you walk out of the house looking like that, drop them from your friends list, bruh. IMMEDIATELY!!!

Last piece of advice comes from Don Corleone:

“I think your brain is going soft. Never tell anybody outside of the family what you’re thinking again. Now go on.”

Dexter, for the sake of our collective progress, please keep your mental midgetry within the confines of the family cookout.

And please, please, please go to Brooks Brothers the next time you go shopping for suits.

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