You Mad? The Art of Trash-Talking

When Alabama beat Notre Dame as if their name was Precious to win the BCS national title, I tweeted my congratulations to the Tiders out there, and quickly reminded them that Texas A&M kicked their butt in their own stadium.

Oh the joy of talking some sports smack!

The moment you throw down the gauntlet, you had better expect to face the wrath of a fired up crowd waving pitchforks and torches. Any sports fan despises their team being trashed, and they will say and do anything to defend its honor.

Take your pick. I’ll go after a comedian, actor, musician, a father of five, a man in a wheelchair. Who cares? Sports trash talk is all about ripping the opponent to shreds and laughing at them as their anger boils. It's all in fun and should never been taken as seriously as some folks do. Do folks not get that this is all about the giggles?

Hey, I even get a kick out of seeing highly paid athletes do the same. Any of you love NFL Films? I do. I will crank up the volume on my 65-inch LED HDTV (yes, bigger is better!) to listen to ballplayers go at each other. I'm screaming, and laughing so loud that my wife will close all of the doors just to shut me up.

That’s why I don’t understand why everyone was so ticked off about Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony going at it a few weeks ago. OK, Kevin allegedly cracked on Carmelo about his wife. Big deal! These cats do that all of the time. The point is to get under your opponent's skin. You know you’ve won when a brother is waiting for you by the team bus. Now that must have been a really good smackdown!

Two of the biggest trash talkers of all time were Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. They eviscerated cats on the ball court. Not just before the game, but the whole game. Talk to old school bruhs and they will tell you that Jordan and Bird had no mercy on anyone. Feelings? Better go buy a few, because they were going to roast you in the game.

See, that’s the beauty of sports. No matter how much you are being paid, you will return to your youthful days and just go IN on your opponent.

When you do it in social media, you always get that fool who blasts you because you didn’t play pro ball. Well, you didn’t either, so shut up!

I just wish more folks would learn to get some backbone and learn how to trash talk. Sending me a F-you tweet is weak. Seriously, does that take any originality? No, but try saying something like, “Dear @MarcLamontHill and @Toure, which green and white team is worst: The Eagles or the Jets?”

Or how about this one: “Dear Peyton Manning, I won my playoff game in Denver. Signed, Tim Tebow.”

See, when you go for the jugular and just eviscerate a team, all you can down is howl in laughter. My favorite is when a team's season is over, I send the following tweet: “Dear _________ fans: no need to wash your jersey. Please remove all car flags. Your season has come to a close. See ya next year!"

When I hit send, folks quickly start cussing me out, mad because that one statement serves as the finality to their misery. And I'm laughing the entire time.

I’m still laughing my butt off for destroying comedian Lil Duval’s Jacksonville Jaguars when they played my Houston Texans. Seriously, I don’t get why a guy who gets paid to crack on folks would actually try to defend the honor of the Jaguars. As Charles Barkley would say, they are TURBLE!

So as the NFL season ends with the Super Bowl on Sunday, and basketball heats up and soon baseball, please take the time to enroll in Trash Talking 101 if you want to come at me or your friends. Go to YouTube and check out a video; buy a book; do something. If not, just shut up. Please.

Because when I beat you down like you stole something, the last thing I’m thinking about is being your buddy!

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