Jim Leyland has on his black Armani suit and navy blue, white and orange Gucci top hat. Prince Fielder has on his $60,000 Antique Levi Jeans and a $5,000 Tiger print Crosby sweater. Justin Verlander is with Supermodel Kate Upton and he’s rocking his $100,000 Alexander Amosu suit. They are representing the Tigers at the big bash. Winner’s Night at Club WS is the place to be in October.
They walk inside and the playoff pretenders are there. Oakland is chilling at the bar. The Reds are on the dance floor doing Les Twins-inspired moves. Fielder chucks deuces to Gio Gonzales and Bryce Harper, who’s tugging at his Luxuriator Style 23 shades. The Rangers and Braves are posted up by the DJ booth.
The Tigers keep it moving past these since removed cats and strut towards the VIP section. Detroit can smell buckets of Dom P dripping onto the tables. They hear the guffaws and see colossal-sized bottles of Patron being ushered past the gold rope separating recent World Series champs from playoff chumps.
When they get to the VIP entrance, Yankees manager Joe Girardi raises his glass and extends the ’09 WS ring on his blinged-out pinky finger. He leans towards Buster Posey of the 2010 champ Giants and the Cardinals 2011 champ Chris Carpenter, and makes a toast, "To the champions!”
As Verlander grabs the VIP rope, security blocks the entrance. Leyland shows them a faded Sparky Anderson band from 1984. Security explains that VIP entrance is based on World Series victories in the past half-decade. It’s been 28 years since a Tigers championship. Since Kirk Gibson and the boys dominated MLB, winning 104 games and duffing out the Padres 4-1.
It’s been so long, Verlander’s long-legged supermodel can’t even get them in. Philly’s 08’ champs, Jimmie Rollins and Ryan Howard, scooped her up on the way in. Upton was VIP–ready, showing iPhone videos of herself doing the Dougie at a LA Clippers game.
Fielder, Verlander and Leyland are pissed. Leyland starts arguing nose-to-nose with the security guards. “I won a World Series in ’97 in a major upset over the Yankees, and as Tiger skipper made the World Series in ’06,” said Leyland, with veins protruding. “Then we bullied the Yanks in the 2011 ALDS and we’re up on em’ 2-0 in this year’s ALCS. We’re next for the ring.”
“Sorry," responded security. “No ring. No rope.” Fielder couldn’t say anything. He’s been a Brewer until this season. Verlander’s golden arm won’t get him in either. Leyland went ballistic and started kicking hot wing bones. Finally, the owner tossed them from the club.
It’s lonely on the outside. Ask former G-Unit rapper Young Buck. Or ask Fielder, who sat on the curb and texted Miguel Cabrera. “It’s up to the best 3-4 punch in baseball to lead the way and bring a chip to The D. The VIP section is crazy man! We’re tired of partying with the wannabes. I want in.”
This year’s playoffs are tailor-made for the Tigers. They don’t have to play Texas again, and the Yankees can’t hit their way out of a trash bag. With St. Louis leading 1-0 in their NLCS battle with San Francisco, Detroit and its bulldog pitching staff, has a chance to eliminate the Yanks and avenge a ’06 World Series loss to the Cards. The Tigers should be as motivated as anyone.