The Bunion: A First Look At Melania Trump’s Apology Speech

The Bunion is a semi-regular satire column that appears on The Shadow League.

The cascade of boos and jokes that have rained down on Melania Trump after delivering her plagiarized speech at the Republican National Convention on Monday night in Cleveland have been entertaining and affirming to Democrats, and embarrassing and ignominious to Republicans. 

Now the public relations professionals and spin doctors are in full swing. While the memes continue to break the internet, some Republicans have gone on the offensive, like Katrina Pierson, a spokeswoman for the Trump campaign who, instead of admitting that Trump’s words were plagiarized, said, “She really wanted to communicate to Americans in phrases they’ve heard before.”

Well, that’s an interesting direction to take it.

Our inside sources here at The Shadow League have obtained a secret copy of the apology speech that Mrs. Trump will be delivering later today to put this entire shameful episode of theft and cultural appropriation behind her. Below, you’ll find the speech in its entirety.

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(Photo Credit: USA Today)

“As-Salaam Alaikum my brothers. On Tuesday evening, in support of my husband’s bid to secure the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States, there was a gross error in judgment in the words I chose to use in my speech. There were some words and intellectual property that was co-opted, but I’m here today to set the record straight.

See, my damie, Pootie Tang don’t wa-da-tah to the shama cow… ’cause thats a cama cama leepa-chaiii, dig? We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!

The venom about my previous speech, saying that I violated someone’s intellectual property, that I’m a culture vulture who knows nothing about the Five-Percent Nation and their use of the phrase, “Word is Bond,” is unnerving.

All I can say to this, is that there’s gonna be a lot of slow singing, and flower bringing, if my burglar alarm starts ringing.

I came here today to be DELIVERT! More. To say empahtically that I’m not gay no more. I love womanz-womanz-womanz-womanz-womanz!

Because as womanz, we have to admit our mistakes and own up to them, especially when it relates to the men that we support.

You see, my first mistake was, I wanted too much time. I had to have him morning, noon, and night. If I would of known then, the things that I know now, I might not have lost the time I complain about. Don’t waste your time, fighting blind-minded thoughts of dispair. Hold on to your love!

And we love America, that’s why we want to make it great again. 

For people who are questioning our integrity, my response is simple: What’chu talkin’ bout Willis?

All lives matter in America and I want every person listening to me now to know this without a shadow of a doubt. You is kind. You is Smart. You is important.

Rolling down the street, smoking Indo, sippin’ on gin and juice, laid back, my husband will help this country get our mind on our money and our money on our mind.

We will turn America into Sepatown, because Donald is a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai! If you mess with him, and even if you don’t,  he will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You’re goin’, “What the hell is this?” and then he knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won’t know what happened to you!

That’s the type of President we need. Because the American Dream has turned into the American Nightmare. I have a dream, that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 

I also had a dream last night. It was the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.

People like Roland Martin can try to hurt me with their words, but they’ll never succeed because Roland, yes you Roland, I’m a karate man! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don’t show their weakness. But you don’t know that because you’re a big Barry White looking motherf***er! So get outta my face!

There is no better man that I can think of, that we need more, to be America’s next great President. He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho. Yesss! He helped Daniel get out the lion’s den. He helped Gilligaaaaaaan, get off the island!

I see dead people. So, you want to go to war? Say hello to my little friend!!!

If you don’t want the executive producer all up in the video, come to Death Row! 

Birfdays was the worst days, now we sip champagne when we thirstayz. And now, I got a color TV, so I can see, the Knicks play basketball.

Doesn’t everyone deserve that same opportunity?

If you are against us, we will not forget what you said and did once we move into the White House. And I’ve got something special for the people who didn’t support us. Shoe program!!! I’m putting cases on all you B****es. You’ll be playing basketball in Pelican Bay!

They’re saying that my plagiarized speech has taken the legs out of the Republican party. Well, to that I say, Hey, baby, what’s happening? How you doin’? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you’re thinkin’. You seen Porgy and Bess? We can make it, baby! Me and you!

America will make it with my husband as the President. And that would make me your Queen-to-be. A Queen who’ll do whatever his highness desires. Your Queen-to-be. A vision of perfection. An object of affection to quench your royal fire. Completely free from infection. To be used at your discretion. Waiting only for your direction. Your Queen-to-be, America.

In closing, I will say cole me on the panty sty, sah da tay and sine your pitty on the runny kine.

Thank you.

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