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Any Given Saturday Recap, Week 11: Alabama Is Skynet

Alabama has a formula that seemingly cannot be solved.

Alabama has a formula that seemingly cannot be solved. Japanese inventors recently developed a robotic hand that can win at rock, paper, scissors 100 percent of the time.

What makes this abomination of technology possible is a high-speed vision system, which allows it to instantly read hand movements and respond back with the winning hand gesture in tenths of a second. If there was ever a precursor to the real-life Skynet, the computer program from Terminator that eventually launched a war against human civilization, becoming self-aware this would be it. 

It's efficiency is very similar to Alabama's.

Alabama’s defense responded to LSU’s challenge as easily as they had every other contender. In Tuscaloosa, Saban is the brain, McCarron is the cyborg hand that doesn’t make mistakes. In the first half, LSU beat Alabama in all phases of the game. However, LSU fullback J.C. Copeland aka Luscious Brown they made a crucial mistake by fumbling on the one-inch line on LSU's first possession. The Tigers also erred by fumbling on their own half of the field on their next possession. Meanwhile, mental mistakes continued to plague Metternberger who was picked off twice and nearly picked off on 323958 other throws. It was far from the immaculate performance he would need to beat 'Bama.


Most programs are forced to reload. Alabama cannot lose. Saban’s players have become programmed by “The Process” to be flawless college football X’s and O’s execution machines. As a result, the college football landscape has become barren of viable contenders who can upset them.


Alabama is as predictably indomitable as Les Miles is unpredictable. In the second half against LSU though, Saban had a sudden compulsion towards spontaneity when he successfully converted a fake punt on fourth and two. Alabama would score the first seven of 21 unanswered points.

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As if they didn’t need any more help, Virginia Tech bolstered the Crimson Tide’s strength of schedule by routing Miami.

After the final seconds ticked off the clock, Saban surprised everyone with one last display of rare joy by leaping into the arms of McCarron. Saban is happy. That may be the scariest image of all.


 

Man on Fire Award: Who caught fire in Week 3?

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In Texas hot seats are warmer than most. However, Mack Brown continues to stave off his own demise and is feeding off of the stove-like working conditions he's under. An overtime win over West Virginia gave the Longhorns their sixth straight win. Whether or not, it should have gotten to that point against an unranked Mountaineer squad is an argument for another day.


Outsiders may be wondering if Brown’s actually done enough to save his job or simply made the Longhorns respectable again. After all, a 10-win season could be nice, but it doesn’t solve their fundamental issue. Texas wants what Alabama has.

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There’s nothing especially spectacular about Brown’s teams. The game planning is bland, the recruits are misses more often than hits and more importantly his quarterbacks are average in an age where quarterback is king. 

However, for one more week, Brown kept Saban and Art Briles at bay.

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A strange development has occurred as a result of Saban’s alleged dalliances with Texas. ‘Bama fans everywhere are cheering for Brown to keep winning. They’re secretly nervous. They know that the best way to keep Saban at the helm of their SEC death machine is for the Texas job to remain filled. We all saw how Urban Meyer skipped town after Tebow departed. Once McCarron leaves his college football-subjugating days behind, Saban may do the same. For the rest of college football the only hope is that Brown gets his send-off and that the Longhorns lure Saban away from his Frankenstein at Alabama to Austin.

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While we're discussing coaches whose jobs are in peril, let's glance over at Minnesota. Coach Jerry Kill has had to watch from the stands instead of the sidelines. The sight of his seizures on Minnesota's sidelines had a columnist with Minnesota's Star-Tribune suggesting that Kill wasn't fit for the job, but suddenly Minnesota is 8-2 and now ranked 25th in USA Today's Top 25.



UCLA isn't just Brett Hundley and Anthony Barr. Meet Myles Jack, their jack of all trades true freshman. If you remember, Barr who is considered one of the top pass rushing prospects in the upcoming 2014 NFL Draft was a running back before Jim Mora facilitated his switch to linebacker. Shifting Barr from running back to linebacker has been so successful, it appears Mora is trying to work his magic again with a true freshman. As UCLA mowed over Arizona, Jack finished with 120 yards on six carries while tacking on eight tackles and a fumble recovery on defense.