(Editors' note: We asked Shadow members Richard Boadu and Nile Ivey if/why they would ever invent a fake girlfriend — and then tell others about it — and it seemed to keep coming back to one reason — other women. We'll let the homies explain.)
Manti Te’o catfished us. The Fighting Irish Heisman Trophy candidate reeled our emotions in this season with the tale of his grandmother, Annette Santiago, passing away followed by his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, who was in a horrible car accident and THEN diagnosed with leukemia. Come to find out, Te’o’s tale is a big HOAX. Yesterday, Deadspin.com reported that not only were the deaths not true, but there is no record of Te’o’s girlfriend even existing.
What gives, Manti? We might already know what the deal is, here at The Shadow League. Maybe Manti was avoiding another female counterpart? Maybe he was trying to make another woman jealous. Who knows, but we came up with 10 good reasons (in no particular order) why you would tell another girl you have a Fake Girlfriend. Somewhere in this, we suspect, laid Manti’s motivation:
G.A.G.: Gifts & Gratitude – Get your mind out the gutter, man. As we all know, women love gifts and gratitude; they love feeling appreciated and wanted. What better way to rid yourself of that headache, when you can just tell the girl you’re interested in having sexual relations with that you’re involved in something serious. She’ll either agree to play leap frog with you or say she’s “not the type that wants ‘gifts and things.’”
The Sidechick Syndrome – There’s nothing more attractive to a female then the guy she’s lusting over who’s involved with ANOTHER women. You ever notice when you’re single, the ladies aren’t around as much? But, when you’re involved, they come crawling from every direction on Earth? Exactly. So with that said, if the topic comes up of you being involved? CONFIRM. The push for your attention will increase with the quickness. And since she thinks you’re involved, she’ll love the rush of trying to sneak around without getting caught. But if it turns into a Fatal Attraction type situation? Don’t blame me, you made the choice.
Thanks But No Thanks – There’s always that girl that you just ALWAYS try to avoid. A girl you think is cool as a friend, but not your type to be in a relationship with. And since “Thanks, but no thanks” seems like it’s just not working and you’re not the asshole she’s used to dealing with, a fake girlfriend comes in handy like no other. Hell, you can just bring in one of your homegirls to REALLY sell the pitch of the “Fake Girlfriend.” Hopefully the “stalker” isn’t the bold type to blurt out “That bitch ain’t got shit on me!” Cat fight on Worldstarhiphop starring YOU. Smh.
Lance Armstrong Is Your Hero – In this case, you have a pathological compulsion to lie, so you can’t help it.
Holiday Hideout – Women LOVE the holidays. Oh they don’t? Ask your Mom and she’ll tell you. With that said, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and birthdays are now off your radar. With that Fake Girlfriend intact, you have now alleviated the pressure of purchasing some EXPENSIVE-ass gift in which she’ll probably hate because she claims you don’t “listen.”
A Strip Tease – This is one where you need your homegirl as an accomplice. By the looks of things, strippers LOVE couples that go to the strip club together. Furthermore, the chances of scoring a threesome with said stripper become a serious reality. As long as your homegirl is BAD and willing to let said stripper do something strange for a LARGE piece of change, this could work out in your favor to the fullest. Just make sure you start out each dance with, “This is my girlfriend’s first time.” Strippers love popping cherries and that thang. FACT.
The Ex Factor – I’m probably going to hell for this one, but if you hated the last relationship you were in but oddly enough you guys still communicate and you want her to pay for all the foul ish she said and did to you…well, just tell her you have a girlfriend. Nothing sets a woman off more than hearing and/or seeing a new woman in her place. Drop that BOMB, son!
Practice Safe Lying – Men lie. Sadly, it’s in our blood to do so. Not all the time, but a good part of the time. What better way to perfect these lies than with a Fake GF. Maybe the girl who you’re creeping with is getting too close, right? Here’s your chance to attempt the greatest of lies to see which ones you can get away with. Try to be as creative as possible…like our boy Manti, who seems like he has the potential to be the next great American novelist.
Gas Saver – Women are NOT cheap. And neither is GAS! To remove the stress of filling up your tank, make her come scoop you when it’s time to go out. “Yeah, my girl can sniff out any scent that isn’t hers, so you’ll have to drive. “ Meanwhile, you can now get as drunk as you want, recline the seat and not even have to look at that tank. Ahh, the joys of having a Fake Girlfiend.
Pissing Contests – On the real, maybe it had nothing to do with other women. Maybe Manti already knew what kind of work Johnny Football and AJ McCarron were rocking with. Or maybe the walkons were coppin’ more action than him and he had to resort to drastic measures.