Conspiracy Theorists: Ohio State Bought Tanks To Scare BCS Voters

The final chance for teams to position themselves for premium BCS National Championship slots will soon be upon us, as the last Championship Weekend of the BCS era gets set to kick off. Ohio State and Florida State sit at Nos. 1 and 2 in the polls with Auburn lurking just behind.

Auburn’s been in this situation before. In 2004, the undefeated Tigers missed out on the national title game while the USC Trojans and Texas Longhorns duked it out in one of the most memorable title tilts in BCS history. Aside from Vince Young’s game-winning drive, the game will be remembered for the players who were retroactively ruled ineligible, namely, Reggie Bush.

The Tigers got the bad taste out of their mouths in 2011, when they faced their own eligibility questions surrounding their best player, Cam Newton. Newton shook off accusations like pesky defenders and took the Tigers to the Promised Land. Nick Marshall is doing his best Killa Cam impression, and hopes to end up more like Newton and less like Jason Campbell.

They’ve got an uphill climb, though. FSU hasn’t had a close game, or a close half for that matter, all season in a conference so beneath par they’re challenging Tiger Woods’ old course records. They’ll face Duke in the ACC title game, entering as 29-point favorites.

Essentially, that means the final spot is up for grabs between Ohio State and Auburn. But the Buckeyes have more going for them other than the fact that they’ll enter the Big 10 C’hip as 5.5 point favorites, and Auburn is a 2 point ‘dog to the extremely slept-on Missouri Tigers in the SEC.

That’s because the Buckeyes have tanks. No, I’m not talking about that offensive line. Ohio State literally has tanks.

They snagged one during the fire sale after the Iraq War’s draw down. As we learned during the 2012 Presidential Debates, we don’t need tanks anymore due to advances in killing technology, so the surplus is coming back home to the US and A. Most tanks went to local police departments. As Albany County Sheriff Craig Apple put it, "It's armored. It's heavy. It's intimidating. And it's free."

Those words obviously inspired an epiphany within former OSU president Gordon Gee, who had a penchant for blowing thousands of university dollars on bow ties and other extraneous items. Plus, there was the added bonus that crime doesn’t actually have to be a factor in acquiring an 18-ton armored vehicle with mounted gun turrets and bulletproof glass. The OSU police department applied for one, saying they could use it for large-scale emergencies and to “provide a police presence on football game days.”

What exactly could those large-scale emergencies be at OSU, aside from losing to Michigan? Well, perhaps, not being snubbed for inclusion in the BCS national championship game at the end of an undefeated season. That’s the only reason the second part of their explanation makes sense, because most of the recent fan-murders have come from the state of Alabama . But this isn’t about a police presence meant to intimidate fans, it’s a shot across the bow of BCS voters. Keep OSU out of the BCS title game, if you dare.

It’s a bold ploy, but OSU hasn’t exactly been subtle. Check out their band just two weeks ago, acting out their veiled threats for all the world and poll voters to see.

Coach Urban Meyer made his distaste for the BCS perfectly clear in his weekly presser, ensuring the message got home, calling it “flawed” and “imperfect.”

Now, they’ll have one more game to try and ensure their place in the national championship. Beating Michigan State will go a long way in guaranteeing their place, unless Auburn manages to unleash a can on Mizzou and force the voters to reconsider. Should that happen, don’t be surprised to see a tank rolling around searching for potential SEC sycophant voters next week. In particular, Detroit News columnist Drew Sharp should probably work from a clandestine location if the numbers don’t work out in OSU’s favor. After all, it’s pretty clear OSU doesn’t give a f*ck what the general public thinks.